Thursday, February 21, 2013

A Letter Hanging For Too Long

My beautiful Nano,

I can't believe that it has almost been a year since you left. The memories of that day will never fade from my mind. I woke up excited about mama visiting me in Lahore, but then baba told me that you're really sick, and we should go visit instead. I remember how mad I got at him for making me perceive that it was anything serious, after all, I never thought anything could ever happen to you. But then, bewildered, I spoke to mama and found out the situation there.

Why did you leave me alone amongst these people? You were the only friend I had when I was a child. You were the only one that kept my childhood alive when my parents weren't realising how quickly I was growing up because of them. The both of them. You made up stories for me when you had run out of all the fairytales, you played with me, took me out for walks and treats, and always came in between when mama got angry at me. You protected me from her all the time. You were my angel. And now that you're gone, everything is falling apart and I can't figure out whether you left because you had had it with us or God just didn't want you to face any more trouble we made. You never forgot my birthdays, I spent my first birthday without a phone call form you and it sucked. It sucked so bad that I don't want anymore of them. You always gave me something, although you never found it to be enough, but you don't know that you gave me the greatest gift of all. You taught me how to love. If it weren't for you, I might never have been able to love anyone, ever. You taught me to love, and to love with my heart and soul. I know God up there is taking care of you better than anyone were ever capable of, the care you always deserved. I could never be more thankful to him for that.

I'm sorry I didn't come to see you so often, and I still don't, because I feel ashamed of myself. I'm sorry, nano. I could not be what you always dreamed for me, and I don't see where life is taking me. Nobody has the confidence in me that you had. Nobody tells me how I'll make it big one day, IA. I miss you, and I don't want to be here without you. It sucks and it's really not worth it. I don't see the point in this anymore. I never thought you'll leave but you did. I'm scared and I'm alone and I don't have you to comfort me, I don't have anyone anymore. I know I never saw you regularly, but I knew you were there, praying, every day, all day, for me. I don't have anyone. You were my person. Nobody has my back anymore. You always took mom's side behind her back when I told you what she did, but now you can see everything, can't you? Do you get all that now? Whenever I was suffocating like this, I knew I could always run to you, but now I don't have anyone. I don't have anyone to run to. Nobody will hide me, or protect me, shelter me. 

Help me, nano. Nobody is listening to me, as always. I am not ready to believe that you can't hear me now either. I am not ready to believe that you can ever go so far that you can't feel it. You always saw the tears I had in my eyes five hours before I saw you. You can't go far enough to not see any of it. I miss you. It's going to be a whole year since you left me here, and I'm still in denial. I still shut my heart when it tries to remember that you've gone. I find peace in scolding myself for not have visited you for so long. I wish you had woken up for me before breathing your last breath. I love you. You were my fairy Godmother, and you will always be. Thank you, for making me into the person that I am. I miss you. God, I miss you so much that words can't even say. Come back, no?

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Damon Salvatore - Ian Somerhalder

In a lighter tone, here are the best Damon quotes from both seasons of The Vampire Diaries. Because we all love an over-dose of Damon humour. :) And because Damon is THE best. :D

Caroline: C**ky much?
Damon: VERY much.

Damon: It's cool not growing old. I like being the eternal stud.

Damon: Great gal. She's got spunk. You, on the other hand, look pooped.

Damon: What's so special about this Bella girl? Edward's so whipped!
Caroline: You've gotta read the first book first. It won't make sense if you don't.
Damon: I miss Anne Rice. She was so on it.

Damon: You're dead, dude. Get over it.

Zach: You don't visit, Damon... You appear. Periodically. Reminding me that this isn't my house, that you're only allowing me to live here ... allowing me to live.
Damon: Someone had to mow the lawn.

Damon [to Vicki]: You just don't wanna die, do you?

Damon: I'm getting really bored and impatient; and I don't do bored and impatient

Damon: That girl is gonna thank me for what I did to her.
Elena: Did you thank Katherine?

Damon: Is it skunk? Saint Bernard? Bambi?

Tyler: Screw you, dude.
Damon: Dude? Really? Dude?!?

Elena: If you wanted me dead, I'd be dead.
Damon: Yes.
Elena: But I'm not.
Damon: Yet.

Vicki: You did this to me out of boredom?
Damon: It's one of the pitfalls of eternity.
Damon: She's been couped up in your room all day. She's not Anne Frank.

Damon: Your life is pathetic. Your after-life doesn't have to be.

Elena: You did this. This is your fault.
Damon: You confuse me with someone with remorse.

Damon: Why are you so mean to me?
Lexi: Have you met you?

Damon: I'll adopt the Stefan diet, only nothing with feathers.

Damon: I don't side with anyone. You piss me off. I want you dead.

Damon: Vampires can't procreate... though we love to try.

Bonnie: You tried to kill me.
Damon: But I didn't... does that not count for anything?

Damon: Is she hot?
Jeremy: Yeah, but she can be weird.
Damon: Hot trumps hot.

Damon: The only one I can count on is... me.

Stefan: Anna took Elena.
Damon: Yeah, I got that from your 600 voice-mails.

Damon: I didn't compel you in Atlanta because we were having fun. I wanted it to be real. I'm trusting you. Don't make me regret it

Damon: I have two liters of soccer mom in the fridge.

Damon: If I had a good side, not a way to get on it.

Damon: Turn it up a little bit. It's not annoying yet.

Damon: I haven't hunted a human in... God, way too long.

Stefan: I really liked you better when you hated everybody.
Damon: I still do. I just love that they love me.

Damon: Have I entered an alternate universe where Stefan is fun?

Damon: You probably ingest vervain, right
John: Why don't you take a bite? Find out.

Damon: You're playing house with half a tomb of really pissed off vampire. What did you think was gonna happen?

Damon: You spent the last century and a half being the poster child for Prozac. Now you want me to believe this new you has nothing to do with human blood

Damon: Well, well, he's a liar and a thief.

Damon: Stefan likes puppy blood... little Golden Retriever blood with floppy ears. That's his favorite.

Damon: What did you think you were gonna find? Isobel with a cigar and slippers?

Stefan: Thank you.
Damon: No, Stefan, thank you. You're back on Bambi blood, and I'm the big bad-ass brother again. All is right in the world.

Damon: You successfully cured him of anything interesting about his personality.
Elena: Remember who helped me.
Damon: I hate myself.

Damon: Stefan is different. He wants to be human. He wants to feel every episode of How I Met Your Mother.

Damon: I do believe in killing the messenger. Know why? It sends a message.

Elena : I think you should stop with the flirty little comments and the eye thing you do.
Damon: What eye thing? *doing the eye thing*
Elena: Don't make me regret being your friend.

Damon: It's Founder's Day. I'm here to eat cotton candy and steal your girl.

Damon: You have no sense of humor.
Stefan: I have no sense of Damon humor

Damon: Somewhere along the way, you decided I was worth saving. I wanted to thank you for that.
Elena: You're welcome.

Damon: Katherine wants you dead, there's zero you can do about it. You will be dead.

Bonnie: When we're alone, I'm gonna take you out.
Damon: You need to stop with the witch's brew. You're starting to believe your own press.

Elena: You scared me.
Damon: Just doing my part in the neighborhood watch

Damon [to Stefan]: Are you worried that all the forest animals will band together and fight back? After all, they talk.

Damon: You hated me before and we became friends. It would suck if that was gone forever.

Damon: You know this whole pretending to hate me is getting a little silly.

Elena: You touch her and I swear I'll never speak to you again.
Damon: What makes you think that has any power over me? Cause I took an arrow in the back for you? You are severely overestimating yourself.

Vanessa: Does vervain really work?
Damon: No, not at all.
Vanessa: Can he hear us?
Damon: No, that would be creepy.
Vanessa: Can he read minds too?
Damon: If you wanna see me naked, all you have to do is ask.

Mason: I've heard a lot of great things about you.
Damon: Really? That's weird because I'm a d**k.

Damon: I always pegged you for a lone wolf.
Mason: I'm sure I wasn't half the lady killer you were.

Katherine: Bad day.
Damon: Bad century.

Damon: Mason Lockwood? Werewolf thing aside, the guy's a surfer.

Damon [to Mason]: Katherine will only rip your heart out. Let me do it for her.

Damon: I look at you and I see myself. A less dashing, less intelligent version.

Katherine: Where is Mason?
Damon: He's right beside me. Although, his heart's across the room.

Katherine: So, here we are: the brother who loved me too much and the only who didn't love me enough.
Damon: And the evil slut vampire who only loved herself.

Katherine: Have I mentioned how inconvenient your obsession for me as been?
Damon: You and me both, honey.

Stefan: You're coming with me?
Damon: It's Elena.

Damon: Can we not do the whole road trip bonding thing? The cliche of it all makes me itch.

Damon: Does Elena know you've been drinking blood.
Stefan: I've been drinking hers.
Damon: How romantic

Damon: I need to say it once. You need to hear it. I love you, Elena.

Damon: If I had a dollar for every time some evil vampire surprised me.

Damon: I've been dead before. I got over it.

Elena: Do you think this is funny?
Damon: Yes, Elena, I find hilarity in the lengths I need to go to to save your life

Damon: A) He can't do anything about it and B) what I just said.

Damon: Death happens. We come. We go. The sooner she dies, the better. It's gloomy as hell in here.

Damon [to Rose]: You went on a murderous rampage. It happens.

Damon: I feel, Elena. And it sucks.

Damon: I'm not human. And I miss it. I miss it more than anything in the world. That is my secret.

Andie: So why can't you have her? She's with another man I assume.
Damon: Yeah, but that's not the point. The point it, I'm in love with her. It's driving me crazy. I'm out of control.

Damon: Just stop talking. Just kiss me. Be my distraction.

Brady: Which one of you killed Mason?
Damon: Ah...that would be me.
Brady: Boys, make sure that one suffers

Damon: You brought back John Gilbert? That was your big save Elena move?

Damon: Still waiting for the part where John Gilbert's the answer.

Stefan: I'm sorry about Rose.
Damon: Whatever, I knew the woman for...five minutes.
Stefan: Well, you cared about her after five minutes though. I wonder what that means?
Damon: It means I care, Stefan. It means I'm changing and evolving into a man capable of greatness.

Elena: He just blew in, announced to Jenna that he's my dad and then took off.
Damon: That's public knowledge now?
Elena: Apparently.

Elena: What are we gonna do?
Damon: Kill him.
Elena: Damon...
Damon: I'm joking. Ok, I'm a little serious

Elena: You totally blew her off.
Damon: I'm staying clear of all women at the moment.
Elena: You don't have to be rude.
Damon: Trust me, it's in the best interest of women everywhere.

Damon: You need to stop doing that.
Elena: Doing what?
Damon: Assuming that I'll play the good guy, because it's you who's asking

Damon: First dad duty: gound your daugther, keep her here.

Damon: My new girlfriend. Andie Starr. Action News.
Alaric: It's not called Action News.
Damon: I know. I like just saying it.

Alaric [on Andie]: Just don't killer her, please.
Damon: If I did, who would report her death?

Stefan: Try not to get yourself killed. 
Damon: Yeah. It's been a day for that.

Damon: You get anything out of Elijah?
Alaric: No, it was boring. Of course, Jenna thinks he's charming.
Damon: You sound about jealous. Does he sound about jealous?
Andie: You kind of do.

Stefan: Are you actually gonna be careful for once?
Damon: Yes, I've become you. How tragic for both of us. Gotta run. Have a murder to plan. Busy day.

Damon: So let me guess--in addition to the moonstone, the doppelganger, the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe, you need to find this witch burial ground.
Elijah: Because I feel that we've grown so close, Damon, I'll tell you "yes."

Katherine: You hurt me today.
Damon: Tit for tat.

Damon: I'll be super pissed if you lock me out.

Damon: Don't mistake the fact that we haven't set you on fire in your sleep for trust.

Damon: Great, we’ll have to put that on our list of things to do today. “Harness dead witch power."

Damon: You see, that's why I didn't tell you. Cause you would have never been able to do it. Don't get me wrong, Stefan. I don't mind being a bad guy. I'll make all the life and death desicions, while you're busy worrying about collateral damage. I'll even let her hate me for it. But at the end of the day, I'll be the one to keep her alive.

Damon: You should be thankful she’s here. She’s keeping me from going for what I really want.
Stefan: You’re right. Thank you for being in love with my girlfriend.

Damon: Wow, I'd love to lend you a hand, but, you know, you wouldn't want me doing anything stupid.
Stefan: You're seriously gonna be like this?
Damon: You and your girlfriend are calling the shots. I'm just... backing off, Stefan.

Damon: Somehow you're the only one that wins. How'd that happen?
Katherine: I didn't let love get in the way.
Damon: Enjoy an eternity alone, Katherine.

That's all for now. Over, and out!

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Story of The Numbers – Wasting my time, along with yours

Black, the husband; White, the wife; and Grey, their baby – not a bad assumption of mind, is it? Since I was very little, I remember connecting the alphabets, numerals and every other set of data into a pattern, and later developing a story out of it. Even to date when I look at the design or motif on a cloth or curtain or anywhere else, my head starts making out characters from the pattern and somewhere at the back of my mind a story starts forming. I guess that was when I started constructing stories with my own imagination.

Let me share some one of the oldest story today – the ones including the Arabic numerals, because this one is so old that even I don’t remember it forming in my head. So here goes.

1 and 2 fell in love and got married long time ago. Following them is 3, who has had a crush on 2 since before she got married. He is the cool dude who has the red sports car and everything else to show off except 2. Whereas, 1 is not financially stable and belongs in a mediocre class. 1 thinks that 2 is impressed by 3 and his good looks and charms, and feels intimidated wondering if one day 2 would ever leave him for 3. 3 never stops trying to win back 2.
4 is 3’s son, and 5’s best friend. 5 is the chocolate hero of our story – yet the unpopular version of that. He’s in love with 6 – I always thought of 6 as the prettiest number since kindergarten – who unfortunately is involved with 7, the body builder/popular/hot guy. Though 7 does not “love” 6, but she’s good to have by his side. 4 is always supporting 5, trying to make him feel better whenever 5 sees 6 with 7 and telling him never to give up on her.
8 is 7’s father. 8, who is meek and lives in the shadow of his sister 9 (I, myself, always wondered how 7, who is such a jacka*s, can be an offspring of a guy like 8.) What is a bigger surprise is that 9 is married and lives with her busy husband, 10. 10 has been raised without his parents because of which he got so rigid from his outer shell. He is the serious kind of guy who’s mostly busy at work and 9 keeps on fighting with him for that, whereas 8 stands behind her like her minion as both of them, along with himself, support his son, 7, as well. Whom we left out is 0 – 0 is an outlaw, a gothic rebel and a druggy, who stays away from this universe and has no value. Its gender is also unknown. The only vague source of my imagination, supports the idea that it’s a female, who might have had relations with 1 and 10 might be the result of their teenage pregnancy.

Gosh! That sounds almost as complicated as 90210. I was a troubled kid if I had ALL THAT in my imagination when I had merely started school. But then, honestly, I had only indistinct traces of memories to this story in my head which didn’t even make sense at that time and had many holes. But today when I started writing about it, every part started falling into place and formed into this hullabaloo. But these characters, and vague ideas of their relationships were like some kind of data fed to my mind when I was very little and asleep.

I even had my theory for alphabets - but then I thought a story with 11 characters is enough for normal minds to take in - Imagine, what 26 would do to you.

That's all for now,
AdiĆ³s, amigos.

Monday, May 9, 2011


I don't remember when I started to keep parts of me, the real me, buried deep within myself. Nobody could ever break through those barriers and glance through into my soul and see how fragile I really had become. I never left any opening to eradicate any chance of ventilation from deep within. I've had my heart and soul sealed from the "big bad world" along with every person close to me. I've been doing it to protect myself from various things; in fear of getting hurt, being disliked, ridiculed, belittled and disdained; and to simply stay different from everyone else, I kept my world only to myself. No body actually knows what goes on, inside me. It's exactly the volcano that keeps erupting yet keeping all the lava to itself. It blows up, it hurts, it's fire, it breaks down, and in the end everything goes quite as if nothing had ever happened.

I look at people and wonder how much I really care and how much I really love them from the depth of my heart. Yet they hardly know how much they mean to me. Mum knows, a bit of that part of mine, a bit of this weakness I carry with me. She's seen me crying for my dad when we're not on speaking terms, or when I've aggravated a regular blow with him. Yet I doubt that she'd know how much I love her, herself. Not unlike my dad, who might have only gotten some idea when he got really sick and I couldn't leave his side most of the time. Only, had he known that I was still holding back and demonstrating only a stronger cover to protect my weaker self from unveiling, he'd have also discovered that I love him even more that I could show and yet, I couldn’t. No, there are no communication gaps between us, yet a gap between my heart and my people strongly exists, even today, even at this very moment.

I've sucked at expressing myself for as long as I can remember; I could never even tell someone if they had hurt me in any way. I was weak and a coward. I never figured out if it’s lack of trust in love, or in my self. There’s so much that comes up inside me yet I don’t say it in fear of getting exposed, in fear that someone might start to understand and figure me out. There are different reasons of hiding myself from different people. Sometimes it’s because I just don’t want to be picked on about it afterward, or because I simply don’t have the courage to speak up, or to disappoint someone.

Sometimes I wonder if God gave me too much power like the covenant (:p) and I can’t seem to get hold of how to use it, only in my case, the power is of love. Sounds cheesy, doesn't it? Well, anyway, so there’s so much that I want to give, yet I fail to, because of my own issues and my own insecurities. My heart shatters at the slightest of discouragement and I cry over the littlest of things because those are what matter the most to me. I’m strong enough to handle the worst yet it is the "comparatively least-than-worse" that strikes my neck. I mean I can let go of the major part of the bad news, it’s the minute detail that would put me into several hours, or even days of mourning. My love is so strong that I can hear it pounding when it comes to it. Yet, I'm not permitted by my own self to let go and let be. *sigh*

No matter how much I didn’t believe in it, love taught me how to believe in myself and in others. I was only starting to open to someone, until I realised it was a mistake. But when I look back at it, I figure out that I might be able to vent out my feelings for the rest of the world in front of a person but the tension and the sentiments shared or felt for him on my behalf, might not come out in their presence. Now when I see myself moving towards a new life chapter, when I want to hold on to each of the person I hold dear, I fear that my timidity might chase them off. I might shut them out, from my life and my heart. Hence, I've observed myself striving to open up, changing for the better, exploring myself and letting people know that I am what I am and trying to get my message there. As in for now, I’m trying, not to shut out anyone from my life or from my heart. So that I can treasure what I have and keep it close for ever. But then, isn't "ever" such a strong word?


Friday, March 11, 2011

Salutations To My Beloved

So, sitting idle I have been thinking of all the phases I've been through my life and the people who've helped me through them. As there are countless girls, and each of them would take at least one post each, I'd want to thank the couple of dudes who have played an important role in my life in one way or another. If anyone is judging me for not adding my dad to this, then the thing is that he's just too cool to be in this genre. Plus, he deserves a special edition lengthy post. So let me focus on the rest for now.

I never thought that anyone could take my brother's place until I held my younger brother in arms. He's the softest, the cutest thing on the face of this Earth. No, no, he certainly did NOT take his elder brother's place, but certainly settled in the same. Both my brothers helped me learn about responsibility (a little bit), love, compassion, and consideration. There is nothing I like more than spending time with the both of them. Be it taking the elder one to the toy shop, watching him smile after he screws something up; or letting the younger one sit on my tummy and bounce, and especially when he sleeps lying over my chest; I could never ask for more. I miss both of you more than anything else when you're away and look forward to the next time I can hold you in my arms. Even though both of you are too little to read, Abdullah and Ahad, I love you both very much. <3

The past Ramadan I had become an insomniac. For various reasons, it was very depressing as well. I really needed a friend to be there for me, and there was one fool who made me laugh really hard throughout the night and then during the day, talking about food and sending the most mouth watering pictures to torture me. Though our friendship is more of brotherhood, he's the one whom I can discuss any guy, any crush with, and he criticizes him at his best, telling me that I have a thing for nerds or nerdy looks. At numerous times he was eating my head and I found nobody more annoying. But now he's stuck in Karachi, with no cell phones or internet, for God knows how long, and I know Hamza, that you might not be able to read this right now but you ARE one of my fans, (:D) so thank you for being there throughout the Ramzan nights and being there throughout my insomnia. I hope you become the best officer in the Navy and get to see some action as you've always wanted. I miss you, especially when the insomnia strikes back. :P

One of the best investments my parents made was to send me to a workshop conducted by the prestigious university, NUST. I had no clue of what it was about and did not know a single person attending there. I earned many ambitions, dreams, and life-time friends there, which also brought a new change in me. One of those friends was quite older than the rest of us, almost a graduate actually. But mentally he's younger than us and whenever we're together, we actually feel like he's the kid whom we have to take care of. We had the most amazing time annoying him and taking weird pictures of him during he tried to recover the previous night's sleep. We never leave a chance for him to not be able to treat us. Movie and dinner are like his obligatory treat when we're in Lahore but I don't get the chance to reciprocate because sadly, or luckily for me (:P), he hardly ever visits Islamabad. But whenever we're together, we have a blast! But no matter how fun he is, Maaz and I would never forgive him for taking sides with Mujtaba and rejecting our most amazing plan of the "kilashinkouf robot", and then also losing. But Hassan bhai, you're the most fun to hang out with and I really hope that you finally get the chance to consume your endless amounts of due treats. :D 

Last but not least, I have a best friend who even though acts gay most of the time but he's not. :P He's the smart ass with lame jokes and endless stories to share. We've got a little too much in common which is simply amazing because the most common words we share are, "Me too!!" and "Same here!!" etc. He's one of my oldest guy friends and is absolutely love. I remember when we were in the same school, during functions girls used to ogle all the dudes, they used to point at him and go ga-ga, and I simply used to sit and laugh. You made me look pretty cool for having you as a friend, back in those days (I know that might sound a bit lame. :P) Abdullah, I never knew I'd make such an awesome friend over a place as lame as you know where (:P) But thank you for all the times you've heard and condoled me when I mourn about how lame my awesome life is and how lame my wonderful parents are. You Rock.
And and and... I know you're not gay. :P

I hope I'm not missing someone but I'm running late now. Thanks to all of you for making me a better person in one way or another, or to simply make my life as amazing and full of memories as it is.

For all those a-guy-and-a-girl-can-never-be-friends-stereotypes, you should rather suck it because I have guy friends, and just friends and they are pretty amazing. All I can hope for you is that you find good friends too.

Be blessed.