Thursday, February 21, 2013

A Letter Hanging For Too Long




My beautiful Nano,

I can't believe that it has almost been a year since you left. The memories of that day will never fade from my mind. I woke up excited about mama visiting me in Lahore, but then baba told me that you're really sick, and we should go visit instead. I remember how mad I got at him for making me perceive that it was anything serious, after all, I never thought anything could ever happen to you. But then, bewildered, I spoke to mama and found out the situation there.

Why did you leave me alone amongst these people? You were the only friend I had when I was a child. You were the only one that kept my childhood alive when my parents weren't realising how quickly I was growing up because of them. The both of them. You made up stories for me when you had run out of all the fairytales, you played with me, took me out for walks and treats, and always came in between when mama got angry at me. You protected me from her all the time. You were my angel. And now that you're gone, everything is falling apart and I can't figure out whether you left because you had had it with us or God just didn't want you to face any more trouble we made. You never forgot my birthdays, I spent my first birthday without a phone call form you and it sucked. It sucked so bad that I don't want anymore of them. You always gave me something, although you never found it to be enough, but you don't know that you gave me the greatest gift of all. You taught me how to love. If it weren't for you, I might never have been able to love anyone, ever. You taught me to love, and to love with my heart and soul. I know God up there is taking care of you better than anyone were ever capable of, the care you always deserved. I could never be more thankful to him for that.

I'm sorry I didn't come to see you so often, and I still don't, because I feel ashamed of myself. I'm sorry, nano. I could not be what you always dreamed for me, and I don't see where life is taking me. Nobody has the confidence in me that you had. Nobody tells me how I'll make it big one day, IA. I miss you, and I don't want to be here without you. It sucks and it's really not worth it. I don't see the point in this anymore. I never thought you'll leave but you did. I'm scared and I'm alone and I don't have you to comfort me, I don't have anyone anymore. I know I never saw you regularly, but I knew you were there, praying, every day, all day, for me. I don't have anyone. You were my person. Nobody has my back anymore. You always took mom's side behind her back when I told you what she did, but now you can see everything, can't you? Do you get all that now? Whenever I was suffocating like this, I knew I could always run to you, but now I don't have anyone. I don't have anyone to run to. Nobody will hide me, or protect me, shelter me. 

Help me, nano. Nobody is listening to me, as always. I am not ready to believe that you can't hear me now either. I am not ready to believe that you can ever go so far that you can't feel it. You always saw the tears I had in my eyes five hours before I saw you. You can't go far enough to not see any of it. I miss you. It's going to be a whole year since you left me here, and I'm still in denial. I still shut my heart when it tries to remember that you've gone. I find peace in scolding myself for not have visited you for so long. I wish you had woken up for me before breathing your last breath. I love you. You were my fairy Godmother, and you will always be. Thank you, for making me into the person that I am. I miss you. God, I miss you so much that words can't even say. Come back, no?

5 comments:

  1. Okay, I don't know you or anything but this post of yours brought tears to my eyes and reminded me off my dadi who passed away in 2009, All I can say is I know that your nano is up there in Jannat looking down on you and hoping for you to be strong. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal but love leaves a memory that no one can steal...

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  2. @simplyme1993

    Thank you for your kind words! :) I'm sure your dado is right up there with her.

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  3. Awww So sweet Mashaal Em touched :)

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  4. I'm touched after reading this post and I can completely understand how it feels when closed ones are not with us and especially nano. Its been now almost one year that my nano is also not with us but I know she is there with ur nano and with everyones' great grandmothers. I must say very well expressed and blogged. Your write up is very maturely written and expressed. :)

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