Insecure

I don't remember when I started to keep parts of me, the real me, buried deep within myself. Nobody could ever break through those barriers and glance through into my soul and see how fragile I really had become. I never left any opening to eradicate any chance of ventilation from deep within. I've had my heart and soul sealed from the "big bad world" along with every person close to me. I've been doing it to protect myself from various things; in fear of getting hurt, being disliked, ridiculed, belittled and disdained; and to simply stay different from everyone else, I kept my world only to myself. No body actually knows what goes on, inside me. It's exactly the volcano that keeps erupting yet keeping all the lava to itself. It blows up, it hurts, it's fire, it breaks down, and in the end everything goes quite as if nothing had ever happened.

I look at people and wonder how much I really care and how much I really love them from the depth of my heart. Yet they hardly know how much they mean to me. Mum knows, a bit of that part of mine, a bit of this weakness I carry with me. She's seen me crying for my dad when we're not on speaking terms, or when I've aggravated a regular blow with him. Yet I doubt that she'd know how much I love her, herself. Not unlike my dad, who might have only gotten some idea when he got really sick and I couldn't leave his side most of the time. Only, had he known that I was still holding back and demonstrating only a stronger cover to protect my weaker self from unveiling, he'd have also discovered that I love him even more that I could show and yet, I couldn’t. No, there are no communication gaps between us, yet a gap between my heart and my people strongly exists, even today, even at this very moment.

I've sucked at expressing myself for as long as I can remember; I could never even tell someone if they had hurt me in any way. I was weak and a coward. I never figured out if it’s lack of trust in love, or in my self. There’s so much that comes up inside me yet I don’t say it in fear of getting exposed, in fear that someone might start to understand and figure me out. There are different reasons of hiding myself from different people. Sometimes it’s because I just don’t want to be picked on about it afterward, or because I simply don’t have the courage to speak up, or to disappoint someone.

Sometimes I wonder if God gave me too much power like the covenant (:p) and I can’t seem to get hold of how to use it, only in my case, the power is of love. Sounds cheesy, doesn't it? Well, anyway, so there’s so much that I want to give, yet I fail to, because of my own issues and my own insecurities. My heart shatters at the slightest of discouragement and I cry over the littlest of things because those are what matter the most to me. I’m strong enough to handle the worst yet it is the "comparatively least-than-worse" that strikes my neck. I mean I can let go of the major part of the bad news, it’s the minute detail that would put me into several hours, or even days of mourning. My love is so strong that I can hear it pounding when it comes to it. Yet, I'm not permitted by my own self to let go and let be. *sigh*

No matter how much I didn’t believe in it, love taught me how to believe in myself and in others. I was only starting to open to someone, until I realised it was a mistake. But when I look back at it, I figure out that I might be able to vent out my feelings for the rest of the world in front of a person but the tension and the sentiments shared or felt for him on my behalf, might not come out in their presence. Now when I see myself moving towards a new life chapter, when I want to hold on to each of the person I hold dear, I fear that my timidity might chase them off. I might shut them out, from my life and my heart. Hence, I've observed myself striving to open up, changing for the better, exploring myself and letting people know that I am what I am and trying to get my message there. As in for now, I’m trying, not to shut out anyone from my life or from my heart. So that I can treasure what I have and keep it close for ever. But then, isn't "ever" such a strong word?

Peace.